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Aug. 24th, 2007 | 05:00 pm

I had to go to the ER today, at Kennedy.
That was kinda suck ass.
But i'm pretty much better now, throats still a little sore.
I don't remember being at a hospital since I was 4 or 5 and my left arm was ripped out of socket..
Was pretty scary, but cool too.
weeeeee, herecomethebills, thanksfornothavinginsuranceshane.

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(no subject)

Feb. 14th, 2007 | 07:29 pm

valentines day.
more like valentinesgay/

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(no subject)

Nov. 18th, 2006 | 12:10 am

I'm the man.
That is all.

.. Not really sure what made me want to post that.

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Hmm.. Ideas in the wee hours of the morning.

Nov. 9th, 2006 | 04:32 am
iFEEL: sleepysleepy
listeningSTATION: Papa Roach - Between Angels and Insects

Okay, so ya know, i'm sitting here and it's 3:46 am. It's not really out of the normal for me to be up and awake this late. Of course, as of lately, i've been going to bed earlier and earlier however. On this here night however there's something not right, and i'm not sure what exactly it is so i've come here to collect my thoughts, let out my ideas and maybe get some feedback, if not that's cool too you'll all know where I am coming from though.

I am a fairly open person, I don't have alot of secrets from anyone person, nor any of my friends. Everyone that reads this, pretty much knows me for the most part, and that's a good thing because you'd all kinda think i'm pretty weird if not haha. Than again you may all learn something new about me tonight from reading this too. Alot of what I may say in this entry is probably something i've ranted about before, gone over before, said i'd do somehting about before, ect ect ect. Although for some reason I have to go over everything tonight whether you, you, you, or I like it, because there's something upsetting me, and the only way to figure it out is to go over everything in my mind til I hit whatever the problem may be.

One of the biggest things on my mind right now is a way to make money. I have had the easy way in life my whole life. Everything was handed to me, i've never had to worry about not getting something I wanted, so yes I was a very spoiled child. I have only worked one job more than 1 or 2 days, literally, and I only worked a month at that one place (Best Buy for refferance). I came to the conclusion after working at Best Buy that I hated people, not just like co-workers, but the public in general. Working there showed all kinds of people, some very very nice and I was happy to help with looking for their product, but I also have had many many dick heads come in that treat you like scum, so whatever. Well because of this I haven't had the will to work any other place. However, from my previous statements, after I graduated in June I was pretty much cut off of all income/anything really I wanted. My dad puts a roof over my head and food in my mouth, my mom provides the other essentials in life, clothes, shoes, money ect ect. But i've become very against taking anything from them unless absolutely needed because i'm 19 and it is time that I grow up and take responsability.
I didn't go to school this semester because I had a hard time getting the loans together since I waited to last minute, partial a few peoples fault but whatever. So I decided I would work full time. Well since August I must have put out like 25 applications and literally only gotten called back by 3 people. I was hired a week and a half ago at Circuit City and haven't heard anything back so I have to call them now. I had an interview at Petsmart last week, and I really wanted the job more than any other job like ever.. and I didn't get called back for a second interview, hey it happens whatever. The fact is it's so hard for me to get a job, and like it upsets me that everyone else has one ya know? I mean like i'm really happy for my friends that all work and shit and make some money and all that. But I can't et a job to save my life, and i'm not in school, and everyone talks to me about ya know how much working and going to school sucks.. Well be fucking happy jesus christ. I'd give my dick at this point to be getting an education to go somewhere in life, and to have a job to have an income of some kind so I can afford nicer things, so  can pay back alot of the debt i'm in. But I mean whatever, keep taking life like it's a fucking drag.. You have it alot better than alot of people.

Another thing lately is my weight. I've preached on this before and you've all (that read this) heard it before, but i'm gonna take you on a trip down memory lane to refresh your memories, and help any new readers along. I am an obese kid ya know. I have been over weight my whole life. It's something i've had to deal with in school and outside of school with. I don't know what my problem growing up was, but I gained massive ammounts of weight throughout my life whatever ya know. Well, last Feburary I started weight watchers, I kept it a secret as it's kinda embaressing enough being fat already, only my true friends knew. I don't care anymore though, what any of you may think that I am on a diet, i'm tired of being the way I am, and i'm tired of being a fucking fat kid because all it is is ridicule and jokes. Alot of people find it unattractive however because in todays society everything is based on image and look. A good person cannot be with another good person, unless they're absolutely gorgeous. It's like I know looks have to be semi attractive, you have to be drawn to people. However todays soceity is fucking all about looks, who cares if you are complete fucking retards with each other, and hate each other, grats on being sexy. Well, back to my point is I've grown up eatting alot of shit about it, and i'm ready to change it. I've lost 74.6 lbs in like 4 or 5 months, which is fucking phenominal, however over summer I gained about 20 pounds. I just started back into my diet hard core and am at 60.4 pounds lost again. So i'm working at it, but not just because of society, but for myself, and the people that care about me most. It was brought to my attention last year basically if I didn't do something about it, I will not be living very much longer. Maybe i'll hit 50 years old, but it was doubtful. So yeah, now you all know about me and my retarded wait. But don't worry, keep worrying about your make up making you look pretty you fucking scum bags. (Note: Not to any friends, but just people in general that get so fucking paranoid over something like a pimple and shit.. Grow the fuck up).

Family wise.. what can I say, my parents are split up, it's one of the worst things, and at the same time one of the best things to ever happen in my life.
I say it's one of the worst things because it seems like when my parents split up, it also split up the "family" that we were. And, don't get me wrong I know i'm not the only one who has every had their parents split up, and i'm even very lucky to still have both of my parents, so there's no complaining in the department.
The other part of it is, it is honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me too, and no not because I get double the presents, but because even though my "family" split up, I grew into a new family which is one of the best families anyone could ever ask for. Bj and I have had our words, we've had alot alot of fights, but that's nothing out of the normal from a step son and step mother right? But she's still a very very good mother and she has done a great job raising me, along with my dad and, even though was apart, my mom.
Along with having Bj being a mother, I got one of the best brothers anyone could ever ask for, Sir Scott Okeson the Royal III.. or something. (Yay scotto, sappy moment rofl). Like ever since little kids we've always been really close, we don't hang out or shit anymore, but he's like one of my best friends. He's helped me out when I've needed it and i've helped him out when he's needed it. In the 13 years i've known him (fuck yeah that long.. 1st grade nukka) we've had maybe like.. 2 real fights ever. I guess being the same age could be why, but it could always be we've pretty much always had the same taste in alot of things. So yeah, that's pretty awesome.
The hardest thing i'm dealing with right now however though is back in March my real mom moved to Florida with my step dad. This was one of the hardest moments in my life, because as my friends know my mom means the world to me. She has taken care of me when noone else could, she has done everything she could and more for me whether I needed it or not. I could talk ot her about anything, or run to her about anything when I needed someone and noone else was there. Like not only was she a mom to me she was my best friend i've ever had.. And it was really hard for me to see her leave me. I'm really really happy for her though, like she's wanted to move and live in Florida every since she was a kid, even before she had me. She moved down there because it's somewhere her and her husband can retire in quiety and just enjoy life without having to worry about bills like you would in New Jersey.. but even though i'm so happy for her, and it's almost been a year now, it's still one of the hardest things I have to deal with in life. Sure I get to call her and talk to her when I want, but only being able to see her for 6 or 7 days every 2 or 3 months it's just really really hard, and I miss her so so much.
What can ya do ya know? It's harder on me now than ever also because I have to chose family and family, I can go live with my mom but I'm far away form my family here. I can go move down there and be happy, but I lose all my friends that mean the world to me which makes me unhappy. It's a really hard thing for me, and it just sucks being torn between so much.

And of course, lately i've had girls on my mind. I fucked up kinda bad a year and a half ago, and because of that I have pretty much strayed away from girls. I have had my crushes, and i've had a thing for some people I shouldn't have. Hell, I even have a thing for some people right now, but like.. I feel so weird trying to come out with it, I know people say like I flirt alot, and I don't mean to be like that.. but I don't ever take a step up from that because i'm scared of rejection, because as I stated before alot of people have a problem with me being fat since it's like not uhmm.. ya know, publically pleasing. It's like they don't want to be seen in public with me (rofl, i'm not that fat, but still). It's kinda a turn off. So of course I have a hard time expressing my feelings towards anyone. I dunno. I mean I don't have high standards, I don't need to be with the most beautiful girl in the world. Like, I seriously and honestly love personallity, that comes before no other. Than ya know, I enjoy hair, eyes, skin.. like all that normal shit, but looks are the last time on my mind, so don't even think that's all I look for in girls. It just sucks because alot of girls I think have amazing personalities are way to pretty for me. I'm not even high matience, like I treat YOU like gold, I give you all the attention in the world haha. I don't require to much attention at all.
I dunno though, maybe that'll change sooner or later however. Maybe i'll get lucky and find that one girl that's just way cool about everything and goes day by day in life and doesn't worry about the small shit. If ya know what I mean (" :D "). Yay me.

School school school. I'm hoping to start up in Janurary, I feel kinda bummed I couldn't go in the beginning, but i'm trying to make up for it! Maybe i'll get back into photoshop, touch up on my skills, learn something new, than make something for you all :).

Other things.. Not to much else has honestly been going on with life, just out on the hunt for a job, and been going to the dentist for the last three weeks straight, got an appointment tomorrow.. Getting 3 wisdom teeth taken out soon, and possibly a root canal on a tooth, Oi!. Gonna be helping my dad remodel our bathroom all weekend. We are completely gutting it and just rebuilding everything in there, it's pretty fucking awesome actually, i'm really excited to be helping out with as much as I can I really like spending time with my dad and doing that kinda construction/hands on shit.. Rather than that not to much else has been going on.. Just living life day by day like it's supposed to be.

But yeah.. I'm sorry I just ranted that much. Like I've been typing for almost an hour straight .. and i'm pretty sure this is a long fucking post, I don't blame anyone that doesn't read it for it's legnthness, but for anyone that does and is interested about my life, then thank you for taking the time and learning more about me, and just mentally listening to me. It means alot more than you thinkg <3.

Shaneo out.. I think o.O ?

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(no subject)

Oct. 22nd, 2006 | 04:04 pm
iFEEL: angryangry
listeningSTATION: Music that's angry, so it's making me happy.

Okay, so I haven't given an official update in forever.
And all the updates I have done, are all little bitchy ones of me crying.
I guess that's because that's what LJ is really for anyway.. but whatevs nahsayin?

Lets see.. where to start where to start.

I graduated in June, and felt good about myself and starting up a like pretty much whole new life?
And the day after that I went to florida for 8 days and enjoyed time away from this shitty place New Jersey.
Than I did pretty much nothing like to amazing over summer.
Hung out with some friends here and there, got to see my nieces, brother, and sister-in-law which was neat.
I went back down to Florida in August to see my mom, and when I got back I was to find a job immedietly.
Why immedietly? Because over summer I found out I had no way of getting to school.
And no I don't mean carwise, I mean like money wise.
I wasn't able to get the loans through my dad's credit, bj's credit, or my moms credit..
So basically I was kinda "forced" to take a year off, even though I was offered the money in cash from my dad later in the summer.
But an offer that was given to late as I couldn't take the prereq class I needed for math because the time for signups had passed.
So yeah, i've been on a job hunt since fucking forever and a year.
I had a job that only lasted a day, because it was way shittier than shit, and had nothing to offer to me.
Soooo.. I'm pretty much crazy ass broke and it's October. It's quite saddening, actually.
Kennerz said he may have gotten me a job at UPS, he has to talk to his managers, so i'm kinda excited about that.. because i'll take anything at this point.
3 weeks I put out 13 applications, and heard nothing back at all, I even settled with retail work!
But I dunno. I may be going on vacation to Florida again if this job with UPS doesn't fall through.
And yeah.. if you know anyone hiring hook me up with a job, because i'm desperate :(.

So there's from June til October in a nutshell.
Yay updates that rarely happen.

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(no subject)

Oct. 22nd, 2006 | 04:00 pm


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(no subject)

Sep. 13th, 2006 | 08:00 pm

layout in process.. enjoy the plain S2 for now.
this is actually kinda sexy like :x

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(no subject)

Aug. 23rd, 2006 | 04:18 pm

im a f a i l u r e .

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Everything good..

Jun. 16th, 2006 | 12:12 am
LOCATION: The Early November - Sesame, Smeshame
iFEEL: peacefulpeaceful

Has to come to an end.
Ya know.. It's really funny that like no matter how much you want something, when the time comes, it's like "Do I really want this anymore?". So my final fay of school's tomorrow. Graduation is on Monday. And I'm so excited to move on with my life, and do what I have to do. But at the same time, i'm crazy sad i'm graduating, along with being way scared. But tis life, everyone that has ever graduated before has gone through the same thing, so it's not like it's just me. I just am thinking though like how much it's going to suck.

I went into Sterling Highschool with a great group of friends from Magnolia Public. And hell, i've made so many awesome friends througout the four years too. I have nothing to complain about in that department. But that's where it scares me most. Everyone i've known for so long, people that mean the world to me, the kids i'd do anything for.. are all splitting apart. This isn't just like any other summer. Everyone's going to be working, getting prepared for college, doing every last minute thing possible. And it's just like in 100% honesty, I won't see more then 1/3 of the people I see all the time, the time I've enjoyed every minute of in school. Why? Because people split apart, not just during situations like this, all throughout life. Just never nearly as many at once as there will be in these upcoming 4 days. Am I going to make efforts to get in as much time with everyone I can, fuck yeah I am! But will I be able to see everyone I want too? No. I wish I could be in a million places at once, but sadly it doesn't work like that.

I've had a blast in highschool. How much I've said I hated it, I did, but at the same time, it's so easy mode that when it gets this close to being done, I don't wanna move away from it all. How easy can it be when your teachers basically tell you what you have to do, do half the work for you, then pass you? Fucking right easy. I won't get that treatment at College. But as said before.. Tis life ehh? I'm not the only one to ever go through it, nor will I be the last.

What I find most funny was i've been so sad the last few days with this coming up so fast now. And thinking how much I'm going to miss it, and everyone. So I said "I don't want my yearbook signed by anyone, I don't want memories, ect ect ect." But now that i've finally come to terms with everything that is going on, and will be for the rest of my life, I really settled down and got my head on straight. So today I let alot of my friends sign it, the rest will be tomorrow. And i'm not doing that shit to just have every senior sign it, i'm having the people I talk to, and enjoy most to do it. And ya know, I had alot of my really really good friends i've known forever sign it today. And I couldn't read them til I got home, in fear of breaking down from memories ya know.. So I got home. And handled them like a pro.. It's really great seeing the last words from people that mean so much to me. I can't wait to get the rest of them tomorrow. There's Four people i'm really looking foward to. And yeah.. Hopefully it's good.

What can I say, i'm growing up. Life goes on. My Highschool easy life is over! hehe. But I think it's time to finally look foward in life, and just take it as it comes.

And on that final note.. I want my friends to know, you guys fucking mean the world to me. And I really wish all of you the best fucking luck, because you're all great people, and will be doing awesome things in life. Just don't take the wrong road.. because you're all better then that. Keep your chins up, and fuck anything that gets in your way along the way.. You're all the best.<3.

"Class of 2006 signs off... " - 2006 Sterling Highschool Yearbook.


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What a downer..

Jun. 5th, 2006 | 02:16 am
iFEEL: coldcold
listeningSTATION: HelloGoodbye - Homewrecker

So to start off, I clicked this update live journal shit, and fucking got these stupid adds to the side .. piece of shit journals, perhaps i'll remake one.

Anyway.. so another sleepless night for me. And yet I have to much to do tomorrow.
I've just had alot on mind as of late.. again.. and it's a shitty thing.

I've been in this really really blah mood lately, staying away from everything, and pushing everyone away that wants to talk/be there. I've just had enough of people ya know, same old same old.. until I realized it doesn't matter, people will always be this way.. nothing will ever change. Why? Because it's life. And no, I don't mean how people have changed, I'm just saying the way people in general are. But meh.. I don't know why I have been, or what i've been doing it over for the most part. Well, then I was lying in bed like a few minutes ago and came to this conclusion.. I'm terrified to move on.

Not just school.. Just life in general.
School is definetly a scary thing to deal with though. It's like going from one extreme to another. I have it so easy in High School. I go in, do nothing, do more nothing, get out, and enjoy my day. Everyone there knows me, and either loves me or hates me. All the teachers there know me, and I have it really good with just about anyway I cross paths with. Then next year when I get to the "omgcommunitycollege" i'll be a nobody. The teachers won't care who I am, nor remember for the most part. The students? I won't know most of them. And it's definetly gonna be weird making such a drastic, in my eyes, change.
I've come to the point where like I realize, I need to start working too. The thing I hate more in life, working with the public. And I only say this because basically any job I can get right now, is all working with retail, and public. People suck, it's a proven fact. When you sit there and help them, and they treat you like shit anyway.. yeah fuck customers. But like there's alot I want to do.. I owe my mom almost $2000 now.. and I want to pay it all back. I want money to be able to go out and do things. I'm tired of relying on friends for everything. I need a car, I hate I have to borrow the parents, or ask friends for rides. I wanna work so I can get all this shit I want.. but at the same time I have no will to put in an application, because I don't want to work.. even though I want to.. if that makes sense.
Another thing that really got me a few minutes ago was I saw and read the card my mom sent me like two weeks ago. And ya know reading it makes me really really sad. Because as any of my friends know, my mom is the most important friend in my life. She means the world to me, and does everything for me, if I need it. Well.. I was reading her card and like it just made me realize no matter how much I miss her, or how much I want her to move back to New Jersey, she's not coming back. It sucks so much having to call her every week to talk to her, because I can't just go to her house to see her anymore. She's coming up for my graduation in like what, 11 days now? I'm so excited to see her, I'm even going back down to Florida with her the day after graduation. But at the same time.. I know as before it's going to be so hard to say goodbye to her again. I hate not having her here because I really have no one to run to when things get hard anymore.. I have to grow up and be a man now, and not rely on anyone..
And that's what makes it so hard. It's time I can't just be careless anymore, and do whatever I want.. It's time I set shit straight, act like I should, and do what I have to do, to get by. We all have to do it at one point in our lives anyway. We all can't live in this place in our head that tells us everything's so easy. And it's a shitty feeling.

And like yeah.. I miss the feeling of having someone.
That's been kinda shitty lately too.. and been on my mind alot.. but like iwenmfiowenfoiwenfoinwfoqeif.

I'm gonna leave this public.
Because it feels good to let these things out.
No reason nobody shouldn't be able to read.
Incase anyone does read this.

Life is so weird, eh?

Okay.. so now that i've settled down a bit, perhaps I can go to sleep.

Another update sometime soon perhaps =).


edit -->. So in 15 weeks.. I'm down 65.8lbs. This diet thing's the shit. Good results, easy methods =P.

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